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Workplace Jokes |
| 1. New Office: |
A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the phone."
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| 2.The CEO : |
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A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope
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| 3.Want a day off work? : |
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So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170
days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
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| 4.Dear God: |
Dear God,I beg you to.....
Give me the wisdom to understand my boss.
Give me the love to forgive him.
Give me the patience to understand his actions.
But dear God, don't present me strength.
Because if you give me strength.... I will break his skull!!
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| 5.HR executive's Love Letter: |
Dearest Ms Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 27th of July at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair
would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
( HR Executive ) |
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| 6.Shayari: |
Shayari from ur boss...
Arz kiya hai..............
Transactions hote hain ... Errors ka sama hota hai ...
Aise mausam mein hi to PERFORMANCE jawan hota hai .
Dil ki khunnas BOSS jabaan se nahi kehte ...
Ye fasana to appraisal mein bayan hota
hai ...
(wah wah ... wah wah)
Your reply...
Arz kiya hai..............
Promotion hote hain ...
Dissappointment ka sama hota hai ...
Aise mausam mein hi to Attrition jawan hota hai .
Dil ki khunnas HUM jabaan se nahi kehte ...
Ye fasana to resignation se bayan hota hai ...
(wah wah ... wah wah)
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| 7.Differences between you and your boss: |
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
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